Fuck a doodle-doo.

By all accounts I should be over-weight, riddled with acne, use online pseudonyms like “ThunderCramp” and “Hunky_Fuckbot18“, hate large crowds of people, loud music, shit at talking to girls and have a speech imped… wait, scratch those last 4. Single… enough already!

The minor point I’m ejaculating at here, is that by some “natural order of things” i.e. Human development… I have remained to be a relatively normal guy. I wanted to put “normal” in italics too… but that really just breaks the flow, almost as much as this following sentence does, fucknuts. Read the rest »

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Philosophy of the Damned – Part 1

The chip to dip ratio can never be equal. Suicidal people die of natural causes and water makes you thirsty.

The air turns dry as your only light source scrolls from the faint glow of the advertisements. Contents from your bag spill onto the pavement, your dizzy head thinks nothing of it as you spend the next 28 seconds clawing at the cold concrete, you’ve already forgotten what you dropped. A third person view pops into your head, you see yourself… down on the ground, muttering something about “whoopsy”, you’re pathetic, and you’re loving every second of it.

Bus drivers aren’t used to passengers at this hour, the breaks screech as you enter his tired gaze. Only one of you is glad to see the other. Read the rest »

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My own.

I’m not ashamed to admit that I will, from time to time, flick through my past sent emails. It’s amazing the sort of stuff you can find (well, I mean if you send emails often, otherwise you’re going to find something close to nothing). Some of these emails are but a few months old and I genuinely have no recollection of writing any of it:

[…] so I’ve attached it to this email… actually that’s a lie. Do you do that too? Write about documents being attached before you’ve actually attached them? Because you know you’re going to attach them anyway… and there’s no way the recipient would know the order in which you do things?

Okay now I’ve attached it… for real.

I’m still lying.

Read the rest »

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It’s not what you think.

Those who know me claim my assumptions are riddled with ill-thought and a lack of perception, but I swear it man… I’ve seen it, I see it, every freakin’ day.

Some years ago I was… I’d like to say, blessed, with a strange anomaly atop my gorgeous head. Although now that I think about it, there’s probably no such thing as a ‘normal anomaly’… weird. Anyway. It shimmers in the moonlight and can be seen for quite some distance, despite its relative scale. The phenomenon first made itself known during my final year of university, it was during these years that my general procedure for maintaining the growth of hair on my head was, to put it quite simply, not bother. I’d let that bad boy hang loose and free until it became too much of a hassle to deal with, at which point the clippers would come out and I’d show it a good time on grade 3.

It was like any other haircut, except when I looked down at the hair that once made people look at me funny. There were two items of mystery within my lower gaze, one were my feet… but they’ve never been on my head so I quickly dismissed that thought of choo-choo. The other… the other, was an abundance of long white hairs.

What the? That isn’t right. Read the rest »

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A good day.

A couple of months back, a friend asked me to help her with a rejection message she planned on delivering to a soon-to-be disappointed male.  I don’t remember it word for word but I recall hitting some soothing notes. Things like “I’m truly flattered, honestly!”, “I hope we can still be friends” and of course, “I really like you as a friend

It was nothing short of a masterpiece, I assure you.

So… I got rejected earlier today, but it’s totally fine because she was actually truly flattered, honestly! She’d also still love to hang out as friends.

Oh fu… Read the rest »

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