Category Archives: Shorts

2 Sugars.

It must have been about 15 years ago now, sat in a chemistry class when the teacher asks “How many people have sugar in their tea?”. Most arms raised. “And how many of you have more than 2?” All hands but two remained.

I don’t remember her name, my memory says she’s ginger but I could just be making that up. The teacher approaches her first, water filled beaker in hand and says “You can’t have more than 2 sugars”. Now this wasn’t toned in the same sense as a parent telling their kids that they can’t have more than 2 sugars in their tea, this was toned in a way that made the statement factual. Read more »

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Philosophy of the Damned – Part 2

Part 1

Salami… you have an on-again off-again obsession with the stuff. Tonight it is very much on again. You know the cashier has probably seen weirder things in his time, to be open at this hour is the price one pays I suppose. An attempt at polite conversation goes amiss when you realise that neither of you can understand each other. You gesture for him to keep the change, not because you really want to, but because you don’t want the clang of wealth to sing from your pockets as you waddle toward sanctuary.

The ill placement of your heavy feet continues as you head roughly in the right direction, smiling happy at the thought of eating some spiced meat and going to bed, possibly at the same time. You beast. It’s a straight pavement from here on out, you stare down the centre to detect any obstacles in the distance that might hinder your fantastic progress. There’s a man, just a man. Some trees that look like they might try to get in your way, but mostly interested in the man. Read more »

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You’re all rapists.

I had to explain to a 13 year old girl why I couldn’t add her on Skype.

I started off with the obvious… “I’m a 27 year old man“, but bless her innocence she merely responded wih “So?“. At this point it’s just weird, so that was my next response. “It would be weird, sorry“.

Let’s throw a little fucking context in here, eh?

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Fuck a doodle-doo.

By all accounts I should be over-weight, riddled with acne, use online pseudonyms like “ThunderCramp” and “Hunky_Fuckbot18“, hate large crowds of people, loud music, shit at talking to girls and have a speech imped… wait, scratch those last 4. Single… enough already!

The minor point I’m ejaculating at here, is that by some “natural order of things” i.e. Human development… I have remained to be a relatively normal guy. I wanted to put “normal” in italics too… but that really just breaks the flow, almost as much as this following sentence does, fucknuts. Read more »

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Philosophy of the Damned – Part 1

The chip to dip ratio can never be equal. Suicidal people die of natural causes and water makes you thirsty.

The air turns dry as your only light source scrolls from the faint glow of the advertisements. Contents from your bag spill onto the pavement, your dizzy head thinks nothing of it as you spend the next 28 seconds clawing at the cold concrete, you’ve already forgotten what you dropped. A third person view pops into your head, you see yourself… down on the ground, muttering something about “whoopsy”, you’re pathetic, and you’re loving every second of it.

Bus drivers aren’t used to passengers at this hour, the breaks screech as you enter his tired gaze. Only one of you is glad to see the other. Read more »

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